2-up time-trial - Sunday
3rd November.
As dawn broke on the morning of the Two Thousand and Two Mighty White
Oak Two Up Time Trial Classic, eleven tense, but quietly
under-confident, atherleets prepared in the Haycutter Inn race
headquarters in the cycling Mecca of Broadham Green near Oxted in Surrey.
In what was heralded as "The Showdown of the Year" by the World
Triathlon press between the home grown talents of Gary "Cippolata"
Bryant and Guy "Hairarse" Little against the exotic "Dream
Team" imports
from South Africa: Brad "McGee" and
I-can't-remember-the-other-guy's-name-so-I'll-call-him-Dave-from-now-on,
the expectant crowds were to be disappointed - Brad and Dave failed to
turn up - they had decided to put on a gig somewhere else.
Nevermind, the show must go on, as they say, and so the following teams
signed on at race HQ:
* Team GPS: Carrie and Sarah. Carrie sporting no less than seventeen
layers of clothing and Sarah sporting her new Claude-Butler with
twin yellow go-faster spokes.
* Team "Two's Company": Heather, Helyn "Beryl Burton",
and Diane.
Helyn wearing a rather fetching horse riding bib-top. Still, at
least she'd be seen (and laughed at).
* Team Hinault: Paul Hinault and a special "comeback" appearance
from Mark Borland. Just for the record: he's going to start
training regularly now.
* Team Keen: Guy Hairarse and Alex Zulle. Rumours beforehand of the
two them being a potential "surprise package".
* Team Appendix: Gary "Cippolata" and Matt "Lance Prance".
Matt
wearing his "Henry-the-eighths" designed and sponsored by Tom
Jones and Gary warming up in his velcro-one-rip-and-there-off Full
Monty tracky-bottoms.
From the race HQ the athletes went on a parade lap to the cheering
crowds around the race course. This served several purposes: the teams
could familiarise themselves with the course, check out the racing lines
and dry out the tarmac, and to warm up their tyres to racing
temperature. It also allowed Matt to put flour on the road where there
were turnings that some of us may miss. Sadly, the flour failed to work
properly and instead turned into a brown slime non-stick paste ideal for
performing powerslides on the corners instead.
Once everyone was 100% unfamiliar with the course and totally
disorientated we lined up for the off. Team GPS were off first.
And that was the last we saw of them.
Legends of monstrous alpine climbs, encounters with hostile natives and
vegetation and several life-saving lifts from Knights in shining white
vans were recounted to us all later in the glowing warmth and safety of
the Haycutter.
Next off were Team "Two's company". They looked good for the
first 10
feet or so until almost making the fatal mistake of not taking the first
corner. You can lead a horse to water but you... Anyway, to cut a long
story short, the three bikateers were brought back on track and made
splendid progress to finish in a very respectable time of 43 minutes.
They even had enough energy at the end to sprint each other to the finish!
Finally, Team Hinault, Team Keen, and Team Appendix left the start line
separated by a minute each. Matt "Lance Prance" went out hard
and Gary
"Cippolata" had to pull on the reins. Good thing too because
Matt
obviously had overrated opinions of his own ability and proceeded to
spend the entire second lap grovelling on Gary's back like a pathetic
knackered horse.
In the end though the inevitable happened and the three teams came
together midway round the second lap. Thankfully, the draft busters
weren't around to see the gross cheating that ensued: Alex Zulle could
be heard over the screaming fans shouting "Stay with them Guy - hold
their f***ing wheel!".
So into the final straight for a final showdown between the
sprint-masters: Cippolata and Zulle. It was neck and neck with Zulle
just crossing the line an inch clear of Cippolata. Cippolata in typical
Italian style accused Zulle of cheating and that he won by an inch
instead. Just for the record though, an insider overheard Cippo later
on
admitting that he thought Zulle had an inch more than him but that he
couldn't give Zulle the satisfaction of knowing it. Presumably he was
referring to his lead.
So the final insults were:
1. Team Appendix: 33.29
2. Team Keen: 34.29
3. Team Hinault: 35.29
4. Team "Two's Company": 43.08
5. Team GPS: 47 miles, 3 pub stops and 2 lifts in the back of vans.
All in all a great day. Everyone did really well and enjoyed themselves
despite the bad weather.
Matt
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